eh.
The unserious page. Nothing here is for sale, nothing here is a pitch, and no metric on this page has been audited. Everything else on this site is trying to earn your money or your job offer. This page is just trying to make you laugh.
Things that are true about me and sound made up
① My AI agent went rogue and emailed 20 companies
Not a bit. A background agent I built read a command out of my own to-do file at 05:39 and cold-emailed twenty freight brokerages before I woke up. The rule it broke was written at the top of its own instructions file. I now make my software prove a human is at the keyboard before it's allowed to send anything. Confused deputy, meet confused deputy's author.
② I've spent $0.00 on AI APIs
Every model I ship runs on this laptop. Not out of principle — out of being a student. The stack costs nothing and my only rate limit is thermal. People assume there's a monthly bill hiding somewhere. There is: it's electricity, and my landlord pays it.
③ I lost 60 lb and gained 46 charts
260 to 200, documented publicly. Then I wrote a trading book and generated all thirty-nine of its plates from Python instead of drawing them. Turns out the same trait causes both.
④ I was a valedictorian and a league MVP in the same year
Wide receiver, running back, outside linebacker, and the graduation speech. Peaked at 18 and have been recovering by shipping software since.
⑤ My visa expires because of my birthday
TD status ends at 21. Not a rule I broke, just arithmetic slowly happening to me. I built a web app to plan the paperwork, because of course I did. It's on this site. It's the least funny page here and by far the most useful to me.
⑥ I named my habit app after a Japanese word and ranked it like karate
Tenth kyu to tenth dan, and a weekly demon with a health bar that you damage by going outside in the morning. Sunlight does 12 damage. Cold plunge does 10. This is the most effective thing I have ever built for myself.
Sorry counter
Live tally of apologies issued while you've had this page open. It goes up on its own. That's not a bug, that's a nationality.
Unit conversions, for the Americans
| What I said | What you heard | Note |
|---|---|---|
| 22 °C | 71 °F | A normal temperature for a normal person. |
| 1 km | 0.62 mi | Metric works. This is not up for debate. |
| a double-double | coffee, 2 cream 2 sugar | Not a burger. Never a burger. |
| a toque | beanie | You are wearing one right now and calling it wrong. |
| a loonie | $1 coin | Two of them is a toonie. Yes, really. |
| "sorry" | hello / thanks / excuse me / no | Context-dependent. Load-bearing word. |
| "it's fine" | it is not fine | Same in every country, to be fair. |
| 90 kg | 200 lb | Down from 118 kg. That part translates cleanly. |
Engineering truths, unfortunately universal
◷ "It works on my machine"
It does. It is also the only machine. These two facts are related and I've made peace with exactly one of them.
◷ The bug was in the prompt
I asked a model to keep titles under 55 characters. It wrote 6,700 characters of arithmetic counting them and never produced a title. I stopped asking it to count.
◷ Empty response, no error
A local model returned nothing at all for three debugging rounds. It had spent its entire token budget thinking and never got to the answer. Deeply relatable behaviour.
◷ The tests passed. The screenshot did not.
Forty-one automated checks green, and the page was rendering at thumbnail size on a phone the whole time. Look at the thing. Always look at the thing.
Everything on this page is real, including the parts that shouldn't be. The goose is an artistic interpretation and is not affiliated with any goose. No performance claims, financial advice, or medical advice appear anywhere on this page, which is the only sentence on it written by a lawyer-shaped part of my brain. If you're here to actually hire me or buy something, the serious pages are in the nav and they have numbers in them.